December 2006-January 2007
I meet her on the internet and we chat. She's a very interesting person, and very sexual. I try to meet her, but she ends up cancelling. She goes back to college in another state. Damn it.
Late June 2007
It occurs to me that she's probably back from college. I IM her. We continue with our highly sexual banter. I get her phone number.
Tuesday June 26
I give her a jingle. No answer, I leave an message.
Tuesday June 27-30
We keep talking on AIM. She says she is busy. Damn it. I start texting her, and getting responses.
Tuesday, July 3rd
1am
She IMs me. I tell her to IM me back later, because I'm working on recording some music. I IM her later, and she asks if she can hear some of my music. We set up a time to meet on Thursday. She tells me her fears of meeting me, she's shy, etc. I disqualify.
5pm
She texts me asking if we can switch times. I say "how about tonight?"
8pm
She calls me asking to go see a movie in DC. Sweet. I am a bit frazzled, having just woken up from a nap. I thank her for waking me up. It's a fun conversation. I tell her I'm going to hop on the metro right now. I decide to take my car instead.
10pm
We meet in DC. She compliments me on my swagger. Thank god, because normally I get nervous and display uncomfortable body language when first meeting someone. Note to self: chewing gum helps! Kino right off the bat. We check out the movies, but nothing is playing that gets out early enough for her to catch the last metro.
I tell her "we're going to go to starbucks." Starbucks is closed, so we look for other places to grab coffee. I decide to go to Borders, but I don't know where it is. Somewhere near the White House I think. We end up walking through the sketchy financial district. We find out from a pleasant stranger that Borders closed at 9, so we make our way to Kramer Books on Dupont.
11pm
We order non-alcoholic drinks at Kramers. I tell her about my experiences working in inner city schools-- the first time I was able to talk about it with confidence. We browse the book section. Then we head back to the metro.
11:30pm
We walk to the end of the platform, to catch the end car of the subway that is usually less crowded. Conveniently it's a secluded part of the station and we do a little making out.
11:45pm
I forgot what she said, but I calibrated that she wanted to continue the date so I offer her a ride out of the city. We decide to go to a coffee shop in PG County. We hop in my car. I play her my piano piece. She likes it, which make me happy, because I could tell it was genuine. She's a smart cookie. Sexual barriers are much easier after there has been kino.
July 4th
12:15am
We arrive at the coffee shop. It is the same coffee shop that I went to on another date with someone else. She is concerned that there are too many people at the coffee shop, and I suggest that we don't have to go in quite yet. We finish listening to my composition instead. I tell her all about the lousy date I went on at this coffee shop. She tells me about how she hooked up with her swimming coach. Sexy. We start making out.
12:30am
We switch to the back seat. This means moving all the junk in the back seat up to the front seat.
12:36-1:34am
Naughty things occur
1:36am
We don't feel like moving all of the junk in the front seat back to the back seat. So I drive her back to her car cab driver style.
1:47am
We kiss goodbye.
3am
Erotic text messaging occurs
HIGHLIGHTS
-Swagger compliment. I finally made a good first impression. Chewing gum helps with this.
-Lots of kino from the very beginning makes it much easier for me to escalate
-While making love she tells me I am "comforting;" later, "dirty."
-My ability to tell unpleasant stories, such as my inner city experience and my bad date, in a funny and confident way
LOWLIGHTS
-I need to work on getting dates sooner. It took way to long to meet up with her.
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
Monday, July 2, 2007
On Vibing
I define vibing as a certain type of interaction achieved when both parties are comfortable with each others presence and neither is self aware of their own. The future of any interaction depends on whether or not two people vibe. Relationships typically do not start off with vibing, however; usually they begin with a certain amount of nervousness, awkwardness, and inflated self-awareness. This is natural, especially around people we don't know.
If I can learn to learn to vibe with anyone, anywhere, anytime, I will be a very happy man. Each person that I vibe with brings me closer to a oneness with humanity. I feel confident knowing that I can just go outside and sink into a comfortable interaction with anyone I want. Letting go of my own self inhibitions, I dive into the psyches of the people around me and enjoy them as human beings. The deeper into rapport I go with someone, the more freedom I have to explore them.
What is vibing, and what conditions need to be met in order for it to happen?
I'm not sure, but here are some ideas:
1.) The INTENT of the interaction cannot be hidden. Both parties must realize and be comfortable with the TRUE reason(s) why they are talking to one another. The intent will either be accepted, or it will not.
2.) Each person's TRUE SELF cannot be hidden. Both parties must accept each other for who they really are. They must display some vulnerability and disqualify themselves in some way to show that they are not superhuman.
3.) RELATIONS need to be found between people. These range from having common interests to mutual attraction.
Some signs that vibing is occuring
1.) Equal give and take in the interaction. Neither side talks more than the other.
2.) Comfortable body language, mirroring
3.) Comfortable silences
If I can learn to learn to vibe with anyone, anywhere, anytime, I will be a very happy man. Each person that I vibe with brings me closer to a oneness with humanity. I feel confident knowing that I can just go outside and sink into a comfortable interaction with anyone I want. Letting go of my own self inhibitions, I dive into the psyches of the people around me and enjoy them as human beings. The deeper into rapport I go with someone, the more freedom I have to explore them.
What is vibing, and what conditions need to be met in order for it to happen?
I'm not sure, but here are some ideas:
1.) The INTENT of the interaction cannot be hidden. Both parties must realize and be comfortable with the TRUE reason(s) why they are talking to one another. The intent will either be accepted, or it will not.
2.) Each person's TRUE SELF cannot be hidden. Both parties must accept each other for who they really are. They must display some vulnerability and disqualify themselves in some way to show that they are not superhuman.
3.) RELATIONS need to be found between people. These range from having common interests to mutual attraction.
Some signs that vibing is occuring
1.) Equal give and take in the interaction. Neither side talks more than the other.
2.) Comfortable body language, mirroring
3.) Comfortable silences
Thursday, June 28, 2007
My strengths and weaknesses
Dear friends:
I am surveying you to figure out what my strengths are socially. It was one of the homework assignments given to me by Tynan (a.k.a. Herbal) on his newsletter. If you have a minute, just shoot me three to five of what you think my biggest strengths are.
If you don't feel you know me very well, that's fine. Your input is especially important to me because first impressions are what I am focusing on. I am a talented, reflective, caring, creative individual worth getting to know, and I want to know HOW WELL it is that I am conveying myself to other people.
You can also list 3-5 weaknesses, if you want. I will not hate you, I will appreciate your honesty. However, if you shock me, I might feel compelled to take you out for a drink and drill you on why it is you think I am conveying this trait. You were warned.
I will publish the responses anonymously my blog. I already have one response! If you do not want your responses posted, just let me know.
Thank you for guiding me on the path to self improvement!
Love,
Xenakis
--------------------------------------------------
STRENGTHS:
1.) I am not afraid to be myself.
2.) I'm nice, and I like to make friends.
3.) I look for good qualities in people.
4.) I like making people feel good.
5.) I'm not afraid to try new things.
WEAKNESSES:
1.) I'm not very accomodating.
2.) I'm too loud.
3.) I have image issues.
4.) I don't hold back.
5.) I'm inmature.
6.) I don't take into consideration what other people want out of an interaction.
I am surveying you to figure out what my strengths are socially. It was one of the homework assignments given to me by Tynan (a.k.a. Herbal) on his newsletter. If you have a minute, just shoot me three to five of what you think my biggest strengths are.
If you don't feel you know me very well, that's fine. Your input is especially important to me because first impressions are what I am focusing on. I am a talented, reflective, caring, creative individual worth getting to know, and I want to know HOW WELL it is that I am conveying myself to other people.
You can also list 3-5 weaknesses, if you want. I will not hate you, I will appreciate your honesty. However, if you shock me, I might feel compelled to take you out for a drink and drill you on why it is you think I am conveying this trait. You were warned.
I will publish the responses anonymously my blog. I already have one response! If you do not want your responses posted, just let me know.
Thank you for guiding me on the path to self improvement!
Love,
Xenakis
--------------------------------------------------
STRENGTHS:
1.) I am not afraid to be myself.
2.) I'm nice, and I like to make friends.
3.) I look for good qualities in people.
4.) I like making people feel good.
5.) I'm not afraid to try new things.
WEAKNESSES:
1.) I'm not very accomodating.
2.) I'm too loud.
3.) I have image issues.
4.) I don't hold back.
5.) I'm inmature.
6.) I don't take into consideration what other people want out of an interaction.
Borders Vibe Experiment
Tonight I focused on vibe. My opener was hi. I cleared my mind of amusing thoughts. I tried to focus on mirroring the vibe of the person or people I was talking to.
Warmup Approach: Borders Cafe Barista
We talk about rain. I get her name.
Approach #1. Middle Aged Lady
ME: Hi.
Her: Hi.
ME: What do you think of the firetrucks?
Her: Pretty exciting. It reminds me of a disco floor.
(Here I should have said "I like that you're a metaphorical thinker." Or I should have kept silent until I thought of a good statement of appreciation. In a bookstore environment, at worst this would have been a comfortable silence, and at best, a vacuum.)
ME: I totally love to dance.
Her: Yeah, I can tell you like to rave.
ME: Lol, I love to read.
Her: I said rave.
ME: Lol, I like that too! Actually I haven't been to many raves. I like the disco better.
Approach #2: 38 Year old Political Activist
ME: Hi.
Her: What are you reading?
ME: A book about _____.
Her: Then she goes on and on about the governement for an indefinate amount of time.
We also relate on a number of topics, including music. I tell her about my summer camp nation building experiences.
We exchange emails.
Approach #3: Borders Cashier
We talk about rain. A bit of banter. I get her name.
Approach #4: Two girls, one pretty one ugly. Deserted parking lot, 11:00. I linger for a moment before approaching.
ME: Hi. (big smile on my face)
Them: Hi.
ME: How are you?
Them: Fine. . . (cringes)
ME: Nice night out. (I start getting nervous here)
Them: May we help you?
ME: No, I was just bored so I thought I could come over and say hi. You guys looked friendly.
Them: Oh. Well, we're having a very close conversation.
ME: Oh. Ok. Nice talking to you!
Possible reasons why this last approach jolted my frame:
1.) Blindfold driving / logistics (the deserted parking lot, 11pm at night) / the fact that they WERE having a close conversation and did not want to be interrupted
2.) Although my vibe was mirroring theirs, I did not assert any sort of direction or ask for committment in the interaction. This made my approach a bit sterile. I should have shook their hand or introduced myself. Instead, I was waiting for something to happen. . . and in return, I let something happen that I did not want to occur.
3.) I did not follow the three second rule. Instead I created an impression that I was lurking.
Next time:
1.) Statement of appreciation if they tell me to go away.
2.) No lurking. Follow the three second rule.
3.) Get some commitment in the interaction. Find some way of introducing myself while also mirroring the calm, peaceful vibe.
Warmup Approach: Borders Cafe Barista
We talk about rain. I get her name.
Approach #1. Middle Aged Lady
ME: Hi.
Her: Hi.
ME: What do you think of the firetrucks?
Her: Pretty exciting. It reminds me of a disco floor.
(Here I should have said "I like that you're a metaphorical thinker." Or I should have kept silent until I thought of a good statement of appreciation. In a bookstore environment, at worst this would have been a comfortable silence, and at best, a vacuum.)
ME: I totally love to dance.
Her: Yeah, I can tell you like to rave.
ME: Lol, I love to read.
Her: I said rave.
ME: Lol, I like that too! Actually I haven't been to many raves. I like the disco better.
Approach #2: 38 Year old Political Activist
ME: Hi.
Her: What are you reading?
ME: A book about _____.
Her: Then she goes on and on about the governement for an indefinate amount of time.
We also relate on a number of topics, including music. I tell her about my summer camp nation building experiences.
We exchange emails.
Approach #3: Borders Cashier
We talk about rain. A bit of banter. I get her name.
Approach #4: Two girls, one pretty one ugly. Deserted parking lot, 11:00. I linger for a moment before approaching.
ME: Hi. (big smile on my face)
Them: Hi.
ME: How are you?
Them: Fine. . . (cringes)
ME: Nice night out. (I start getting nervous here)
Them: May we help you?
ME: No, I was just bored so I thought I could come over and say hi. You guys looked friendly.
Them: Oh. Well, we're having a very close conversation.
ME: Oh. Ok. Nice talking to you!
Possible reasons why this last approach jolted my frame:
1.) Blindfold driving / logistics (the deserted parking lot, 11pm at night) / the fact that they WERE having a close conversation and did not want to be interrupted
2.) Although my vibe was mirroring theirs, I did not assert any sort of direction or ask for committment in the interaction. This made my approach a bit sterile. I should have shook their hand or introduced myself. Instead, I was waiting for something to happen. . . and in return, I let something happen that I did not want to occur.
3.) I did not follow the three second rule. Instead I created an impression that I was lurking.
Next time:
1.) Statement of appreciation if they tell me to go away.
2.) No lurking. Follow the three second rule.
3.) Get some commitment in the interaction. Find some way of introducing myself while also mirroring the calm, peaceful vibe.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
The Importance of Seeing a Few People but Nothing Serious
I've decided that for now on, I'm going to tell people that "I'm seeing a few people, but nothing serious."
"I'm seeing a few people, but nothing serious" conveys all the right messages. It conveys value. But more importantly, it shows that I pursue a lifestyle that allows me to be open to whatever comes my way. It also implies the following mandatory bits of information that, said alone, are also potentially fatal:
1.) I'm single-- said alone, this could also imply that I'm desparate
2.) I'm not looking for anything serious-- Very important for her to know this because it shows that I am not going to smother her into a relationship, but if I were to say this word for word it may also imply I'm a player
3.) I'm not dating anyone seriously right now, but someday when I meet the right person I'll settle down-- This is just wordy and convulted, almost indecisive. Why are you talking to me if I am not the right person. Or, what makes you think I'm the right person if you've only been talking to me for five minutes? If meeting the right person is what you want later on, then what on earth do you want now from this interaction? Since I'm a nice person by nature, this last bullet is automatically conveyed in my body language. Plus, anyone seeing a "few people but nothing serious" now is probably doing it with the intention of seeing someone "seriously" later on. It's human nature.
ONLY ONE PROBLEM: I'M NOT SEEING ANYONE RIGHT NOW! But I still have a few relationships in New York that were left open ended. And, perhaps heightened erotic internet language on AIM counts as seeing someone. It's not stretching the truth that much. And if they ask, I can always take back the value and confess I don't like the people I'm seeing. The most important thing is to communicate that I want to leave things open.
Substitute lines: "I'm going out on dates, but nothing serious."
Pro: More true to my situation
Con: How does she know the dates are successfull ones? And how does she know I'm not spending lots of money?
OR "I'm dating some, but nothing serious."
Pro: Implies I am pursuing a certain lifestyle, that my attitude is that I have options, and that I am open for things to progress in a variety of directions, but does not disclose any details
Con: Too vague
"I'm seeing a few people, but nothing serious" conveys all the right messages. It conveys value. But more importantly, it shows that I pursue a lifestyle that allows me to be open to whatever comes my way. It also implies the following mandatory bits of information that, said alone, are also potentially fatal:
1.) I'm single-- said alone, this could also imply that I'm desparate
2.) I'm not looking for anything serious-- Very important for her to know this because it shows that I am not going to smother her into a relationship, but if I were to say this word for word it may also imply I'm a player
3.) I'm not dating anyone seriously right now, but someday when I meet the right person I'll settle down-- This is just wordy and convulted, almost indecisive. Why are you talking to me if I am not the right person. Or, what makes you think I'm the right person if you've only been talking to me for five minutes? If meeting the right person is what you want later on, then what on earth do you want now from this interaction? Since I'm a nice person by nature, this last bullet is automatically conveyed in my body language. Plus, anyone seeing a "few people but nothing serious" now is probably doing it with the intention of seeing someone "seriously" later on. It's human nature.
ONLY ONE PROBLEM: I'M NOT SEEING ANYONE RIGHT NOW! But I still have a few relationships in New York that were left open ended. And, perhaps heightened erotic internet language on AIM counts as seeing someone. It's not stretching the truth that much. And if they ask, I can always take back the value and confess I don't like the people I'm seeing. The most important thing is to communicate that I want to leave things open.
Substitute lines: "I'm going out on dates, but nothing serious."
Pro: More true to my situation
Con: How does she know the dates are successfull ones? And how does she know I'm not spending lots of money?
OR "I'm dating some, but nothing serious."
Pro: Implies I am pursuing a certain lifestyle, that my attitude is that I have options, and that I am open for things to progress in a variety of directions, but does not disclose any details
Con: Too vague
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Monday, June 25, 2007
Hollister Breakthrough
So today I made casual conversation with two of the sales associates at Hollister. I also made out with a sweet blue and orange polo on sale for $19.95. Here's what I learned:
1.) The first girl I talked to was totally into me (we were chatting about what is most important to us in an apartment), but I could also tell she was a little uncomfortable. I think this is because she was afraid she was supposed to be working. Future solution: if this happens, ask about the products. This makes her feel like she is working. Then weave in other stuff when you have a chance.
2.) The second girl I talked to was a senior in high school, with a major case of senioritus (even as a junior). Could have fooled me-- she seemed mature enough to be older than I am. For the longest time it bothered me because I could never figure out if a girl is in high school or college. If she's in college, she's just my type, but if she's in high school, then I'm in jail. Today I learned how to get out this bit of information: just ask "What college do you go to?" If she's in high school, then I know to walk away. If she's in college, then we continue the conversation. And if she's a college grad, then she feels flattered that I think she's still in college. It's win win. Sweet.
Things I need to do more often, even if it takes me out of my comfort zone:
1.) Ask her for her name.
2.) Ask her what her relationship situation is.
3.) State my intent.
1.) The first girl I talked to was totally into me (we were chatting about what is most important to us in an apartment), but I could also tell she was a little uncomfortable. I think this is because she was afraid she was supposed to be working. Future solution: if this happens, ask about the products. This makes her feel like she is working. Then weave in other stuff when you have a chance.
2.) The second girl I talked to was a senior in high school, with a major case of senioritus (even as a junior). Could have fooled me-- she seemed mature enough to be older than I am. For the longest time it bothered me because I could never figure out if a girl is in high school or college. If she's in college, she's just my type, but if she's in high school, then I'm in jail. Today I learned how to get out this bit of information: just ask "What college do you go to?" If she's in high school, then I know to walk away. If she's in college, then we continue the conversation. And if she's a college grad, then she feels flattered that I think she's still in college. It's win win. Sweet.
Things I need to do more often, even if it takes me out of my comfort zone:
1.) Ask her for her name.
2.) Ask her what her relationship situation is.
3.) State my intent.
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