My strengths and weaknesses

Dear friends:

I am surveying you to figure out what my strengths are socially. It was one of the homework assignments given to me by Tynan (a.k.a. Herbal) on his newsletter. If you have a minute, just shoot me three to five of what you think my biggest strengths are.

If you don't feel you know me very well, that's fine. Your input is especially important to me because first impressions are what I am focusing on. I am a talented, reflective, caring, creative individual worth getting to know, and I want to know HOW WELL it is that I am conveying myself to other people.

You can also list 3-5 weaknesses, if you want. I will not hate you, I will appreciate your honesty. However, if you shock me, I might feel compelled to take you out for a drink and drill you on why it is you think I am conveying this trait. You were warned.

I will publish the responses anonymously my blog. I already have one response! If you do not want your responses posted, just let me know.

Thank you for guiding me on the path to self improvement!

Love,
Xenakis


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STRENGTHS:
1.) I am not afraid to be myself.
2.) I'm nice, and I like to make friends.
3.) I look for good qualities in people.
4.) I like making people feel good.
5.) I'm not afraid to try new things.

WEAKNESSES:
1.) I'm not very accomodating.
2.) I'm too loud.
3.) I have image issues.
4.) I don't hold back.
5.) I'm inmature.
6.) I don't take into consideration what other people want out of an interaction.

Borders Vibe Experiment

Tonight I focused on vibe. My opener was hi. I cleared my mind of amusing thoughts. I tried to focus on mirroring the vibe of the person or people I was talking to.

Warmup Approach: Borders Cafe Barista
We talk about rain. I get her name.

Approach #1. Middle Aged Lady
ME: Hi.
Her: Hi.
ME: What do you think of the firetrucks?
Her: Pretty exciting. It reminds me of a disco floor.
(Here I should have said "I like that you're a metaphorical thinker." Or I should have kept silent until I thought of a good statement of appreciation. In a bookstore environment, at worst this would have been a comfortable silence, and at best, a vacuum.)
ME: I totally love to dance.
Her: Yeah, I can tell you like to rave.
ME: Lol, I love to read.
Her: I said rave.
ME: Lol, I like that too! Actually I haven't been to many raves. I like the disco better.

Approach #2: 38 Year old Political Activist
ME: Hi.
Her: What are you reading?
ME: A book about _____.
Her: Then she goes on and on about the governement for an indefinate amount of time.
We also relate on a number of topics, including music. I tell her about my summer camp nation building experiences.
We exchange emails.

Approach #3: Borders Cashier
We talk about rain. A bit of banter. I get her name.

Approach #4: Two girls, one pretty one ugly. Deserted parking lot, 11:00. I linger for a moment before approaching.
ME: Hi. (big smile on my face)
Them: Hi.
ME: How are you?
Them: Fine. . . (cringes)
ME: Nice night out. (I start getting nervous here)
Them: May we help you?
ME: No, I was just bored so I thought I could come over and say hi. You guys looked friendly.
Them: Oh. Well, we're having a very close conversation.
ME: Oh. Ok. Nice talking to you!

Possible reasons why this last approach jolted my frame:
1.) Blindfold driving / logistics (the deserted parking lot, 11pm at night) / the fact that they WERE having a close conversation and did not want to be interrupted
2.) Although my vibe was mirroring theirs, I did not assert any sort of direction or ask for committment in the interaction. This made my approach a bit sterile. I should have shook their hand or introduced myself. Instead, I was waiting for something to happen. . . and in return, I let something happen that I did not want to occur.
3.) I did not follow the three second rule. Instead I created an impression that I was lurking.

Next time:
1.) Statement of appreciation if they tell me to go away.
2.) No lurking. Follow the three second rule.
3.) Get some commitment in the interaction. Find some way of introducing myself while also mirroring the calm, peaceful vibe.

The Importance of Seeing a Few People but Nothing Serious

I've decided that for now on, I'm going to tell people that "I'm seeing a few people, but nothing serious."

"I'm seeing a few people, but nothing serious" conveys all the right messages. It conveys value. But more importantly, it shows that I pursue a lifestyle that allows me to be open to whatever comes my way. It also implies the following mandatory bits of information that, said alone, are also potentially fatal:

1.) I'm single-- said alone, this could also imply that I'm desparate
2.) I'm not looking for anything serious-- Very important for her to know this because it shows that I am not going to smother her into a relationship, but if I were to say this word for word it may also imply I'm a player
3.) I'm not dating anyone seriously right now, but someday when I meet the right person I'll settle down-- This is just wordy and convulted, almost indecisive. Why are you talking to me if I am not the right person. Or, what makes you think I'm the right person if you've only been talking to me for five minutes? If meeting the right person is what you want later on, then what on earth do you want now from this interaction? Since I'm a nice person by nature, this last bullet is automatically conveyed in my body language. Plus, anyone seeing a "few people but nothing serious" now is probably doing it with the intention of seeing someone "seriously" later on. It's human nature.

ONLY ONE PROBLEM: I'M NOT SEEING ANYONE RIGHT NOW! But I still have a few relationships in New York that were left open ended. And, perhaps heightened erotic internet language on AIM counts as seeing someone. It's not stretching the truth that much. And if they ask, I can always take back the value and confess I don't like the people I'm seeing. The most important thing is to communicate that I want to leave things open.

Substitute lines: "I'm going out on dates, but nothing serious."
Pro: More true to my situation
Con: How does she know the dates are successfull ones? And how does she know I'm not spending lots of money?

OR "I'm dating some, but nothing serious."
Pro: Implies I am pursuing a certain lifestyle, that my attitude is that I have options, and that I am open for things to progress in a variety of directions, but does not disclose any details
Con: Too vague

Be More Animated

This will help women get to know me better as a person.

Hollister Breakthrough

So today I made casual conversation with two of the sales associates at Hollister. I also made out with a sweet blue and orange polo on sale for $19.95. Here's what I learned:

1.) The first girl I talked to was totally into me (we were chatting about what is most important to us in an apartment), but I could also tell she was a little uncomfortable. I think this is because she was afraid she was supposed to be working. Future solution: if this happens, ask about the products. This makes her feel like she is working. Then weave in other stuff when you have a chance.

2.) The second girl I talked to was a senior in high school, with a major case of senioritus (even as a junior). Could have fooled me-- she seemed mature enough to be older than I am. For the longest time it bothered me because I could never figure out if a girl is in high school or college. If she's in college, she's just my type, but if she's in high school, then I'm in jail. Today I learned how to get out this bit of information: just ask "What college do you go to?" If she's in high school, then I know to walk away. If she's in college, then we continue the conversation. And if she's a college grad, then she feels flattered that I think she's still in college. It's win win. Sweet.

Things I need to do more often, even if it takes me out of my comfort zone:
1.) Ask her for her name.
2.) Ask her what her relationship situation is.
3.) State my intent.

Last Weekend

Last weekend my approach was simple. I did not waste any time making more casual conversation than I had to. I followed a structured series of steps, almost robotically.

1.) Open
2.) Ask a simple question, like where are you from
Listen to her answer
3.) State my appreciation. Relate. Ask a juicier question, such as what do you do for fun, what are you doing this summer
Listen to her answer
4.) State my intent. Relate. Vibe.
5.) Ask her about her relationship situation.
6.) Get her phone number.

I was able to do this three times this weekend.

The first was a Bulgarian girl who was a consultant. We talked about music and culture. I told her she was ambitious and sexy. She was dating a guy she didn't like. She was concerned that she was older than I was. I need to work on a good disqualifier for this. I texted her, but she didn't text me back. I didn't have the balls to call her. Now my window of opportunity is closing.

The second girl was fun. A little thick, but lots of cleavage and probably really good in bed. I friended her on facebook. We met again by coincidence at another bar. I initially opened her friends, and then met her. I sent her a text, but no returned text. I called her, but couldn't figure out how to leave her a voice mail. I'm wimping out, because I feel guilty because I really couldn't see myself with her long term. I guess I still have some hangups with MLTR and friend with benefits. I especially felt these feelings after meeting Girl #3......

The last number I got was a girl who was just my "type." Ahhhh, so cute. I met her on the subway after significant eye flirting. We talked about mundane things. I didn't care. I was so flustered. I didn't SOI or ask what her relationship situation was. I called her twice and texted her. No returned call.

Summer Goals

1.) Help people who are less fortunate than I am.
2.) Compose music.
3.) Pickup.
4.) Professional development