The Xenakis Field Reports

Lay Report

2007-07-04T00:16:00.000-07:00

December 2006-January 2007
I meet her on the internet and we chat. She's a very interesting person, and very sexual. I try to meet her, but she ends up cancelling. She goes back to college in another state. Damn it.

Late June 2007
It occurs to me that she's probably back from college. I IM her. We continue with our highly sexual banter. I get her phone number.

Tuesday June 26
I give her a jingle. No answer, I leave an message.

Tuesday June 27-30
We keep talking on AIM. She says she is busy. Damn it. I start texting her, and getting responses.

Tuesday, July 3rd
1am
She IMs me. I tell her to IM me back later, because I'm working on recording some music. I IM her later, and she asks if she can hear some of my music. We set up a time to meet on Thursday. She tells me her fears of meeting me, she's shy, etc. I disqualify.

5pm
She texts me asking if we can switch times. I say "how about tonight?"

8pm
She calls me asking to go see a movie in DC. Sweet. I am a bit frazzled, having just woken up from a nap. I thank her for waking me up. It's a fun conversation. I tell her I'm going to hop on the metro right now. I decide to take my car instead.

10pm
We meet in DC. She compliments me on my swagger. Thank god, because normally I get nervous and display uncomfortable body language when first meeting someone. Note to self: chewing gum helps! Kino right off the bat. We check out the movies, but nothing is playing that gets out early enough for her to catch the last metro.
I tell her "we're going to go to starbucks." Starbucks is closed, so we look for other places to grab coffee. I decide to go to Borders, but I don't know where it is. Somewhere near the White House I think. We end up walking through the sketchy financial district. We find out from a pleasant stranger that Borders closed at 9, so we make our way to Kramer Books on Dupont.

11pm
We order non-alcoholic drinks at Kramers. I tell her about my experiences working in inner city schools-- the first time I was able to talk about it with confidence. We browse the book section. Then we head back to the metro.

11:30pm
We walk to the end of the platform, to catch the end car of the subway that is usually less crowded. Conveniently it's a secluded part of the station and we do a little making out.

11:45pm
I forgot what she said, but I calibrated that she wanted to continue the date so I offer her a ride out of the city. We decide to go to a coffee shop in PG County. We hop in my car. I play her my piano piece. She likes it, which make me happy, because I could tell it was genuine. She's a smart cookie. Sexual barriers are much easier after there has been kino.

July 4th
12:15am
We arrive at the coffee shop. It is the same coffee shop that I went to on another date with someone else. She is concerned that there are too many people at the coffee shop, and I suggest that we don't have to go in quite yet. We finish listening to my composition instead. I tell her all about the lousy date I went on at this coffee shop. She tells me about how she hooked up with her swimming coach. Sexy. We start making out.

12:30am
We switch to the back seat. This means moving all the junk in the back seat up to the front seat.

12:36-1:34am
Naughty things occur

1:36am
We don't feel like moving all of the junk in the front seat back to the back seat. So I drive her back to her car cab driver style.

1:47am
We kiss goodbye.

3am
Erotic text messaging occurs

HIGHLIGHTS
-Swagger compliment. I finally made a good first impression. Chewing gum helps with this.
-Lots of kino from the very beginning makes it much easier for me to escalate
-While making love she tells me I am "comforting;" later, "dirty."
-My ability to tell unpleasant stories, such as my inner city experience and my bad date, in a funny and confident way

LOWLIGHTS
-I need to work on getting dates sooner. It took way to long to meet up with her.

On Vibing

2007-07-02T23:29:00.001-07:00

I define vibing as a certain type of interaction achieved when both parties are comfortable with each others presence and neither is self aware of their own. The future of any interaction depends on whether or not two people vibe. Relationships typically do not start off with vibing, however; usually they begin with a certain amount of nervousness, awkwardness, and inflated self-awareness. This is natural, especially around people we don't know.

If I can learn to learn to vibe with anyone, anywhere, anytime, I will be a very happy man. Each person that I vibe with brings me closer to a oneness with humanity. I feel confident knowing that I can just go outside and sink into a comfortable interaction with anyone I want. Letting go of my own self inhibitions, I dive into the psyches of the people around me and enjoy them as human beings. The deeper into rapport I go with someone, the more freedom I have to explore them.

What is vibing, and what conditions need to be met in order for it to happen?
I'm not sure, but here are some ideas:
1.) The INTENT of the interaction cannot be hidden. Both parties must realize and be comfortable with the TRUE reason(s) why they are talking to one another. The intent will either be accepted, or it will not.
2.) Each person's TRUE SELF cannot be hidden. Both parties must accept each other for who they really are. They must display some vulnerability and disqualify themselves in some way to show that they are not superhuman.
3.) RELATIONS need to be found between people. These range from having common interests to mutual attraction.

Some signs that vibing is occuring
1.) Equal give and take in the interaction. Neither side talks more than the other.
2.) Comfortable body language, mirroring
3.) Comfortable silences

My strengths and weaknesses

2007-06-28T21:40:00.000-07:00

Dear friends:

I am surveying you to figure out what my strengths are socially. It was one of the homework assignments given to me by Tynan (a.k.a. Herbal) on his newsletter. If you have a minute, just shoot me three to five of what you think my biggest strengths are.

If you don't feel you know me very well, that's fine. Your input is especially important to me because first impressions are what I am focusing on. I am a talented, reflective, caring, creative individual worth getting to know, and I want to know HOW WELL it is that I am conveying myself to other people.

You can also list 3-5 weaknesses, if you want. I will not hate you, I will appreciate your honesty. However, if you shock me, I might feel compelled to take you out for a drink and drill you on why it is you think I am conveying this trait. You were warned.

I will publish the responses anonymously my blog. I already have one response! If you do not want your responses posted, just let me know.

Thank you for guiding me on the path to self improvement!

Love,
Xenakis

--------------------------------------------------

STRENGTHS:
1.) I am not afraid to be myself.
2.) I'm nice, and I like to make friends.
3.) I look for good qualities in people.
4.) I like making people feel good.
5.) I'm not afraid to try new things.

WEAKNESSES:
1.) I'm not very accomodating.
2.) I'm too loud.
3.) I have image issues.
4.) I don't hold back.
5.) I'm inmature.
6.) I don't take into consideration what other people want out of an interaction.

Borders Vibe Experiment

2007-06-28T21:00:00.000-07:00

Tonight I focused on vibe. My opener was hi. I cleared my mind of amusing thoughts. I tried to focus on mirroring the vibe of the person or people I was talking to.

Warmup Approach: Borders Cafe Barista
We talk about rain. I get her name.

Approach #1. Middle Aged Lady
ME: Hi.
Her: Hi.
ME: What do you think of the firetrucks?
Her: Pretty exciting. It reminds me of a disco floor.
(Here I should have said "I like that you're a metaphorical thinker." Or I should have kept silent until I thought of a good statement of appreciation. In a bookstore environment, at worst this would have been a comfortable silence, and at best, a vacuum.)
ME: I totally love to dance.
Her: Yeah, I can tell you like to rave.
ME: Lol, I love to read.
Her: I said rave.
ME: Lol, I like that too! Actually I haven't been to many raves. I like the disco better.

Approach #2: 38 Year old Political Activist
ME: Hi.
Her: What are you reading?
ME: A book about _____.
Her: Then she goes on and on about the governement for an indefinate amount of time.
We also relate on a number of topics, including music. I tell her about my summer camp nation building experiences.
We exchange emails.

Approach #3: Borders Cashier
We talk about rain. A bit of banter. I get her name.

Approach #4: Two girls, one pretty one ugly. Deserted parking lot, 11:00. I linger for a moment before approaching.
ME: Hi. (big smile on my face)
Them: Hi.
ME: How are you?
Them: Fine. . . (cringes)
ME: Nice night out. (I start getting nervous here)
Them: May we help you?
ME: No, I was just bored so I thought I could come over and say hi. You guys looked friendly.
Them: Oh. Well, we're having a very close conversation.
ME: Oh. Ok. Nice talking to you!

Possible reasons why this last approach jolted my frame:
1.) Blindfold driving / logistics (the deserted parking lot, 11pm at night) / the fact that they WERE having a close conversation and did not want to be interrupted
2.) Although my vibe was mirroring theirs, I did not assert any sort of direction or ask for committment in the interaction. This made my approach a bit sterile. I should have shook their hand or introduced myself. Instead, I was waiting for something to happen. . . and in return, I let something happen that I did not want to occur.
3.) I did not follow the three second rule. Instead I created an impression that I was lurking.

Next time:
1.) Statement of appreciation if they tell me to go away.
2.) No lurking. Follow the three second rule.
3.) Get some commitment in the interaction. Find some way of introducing myself while also mirroring the calm, peaceful vibe.

The Importance of Seeing a Few People but Nothing Serious

2007-06-27T14:00:00.000-07:00

I've decided that for now on, I'm going to tell people that "I'm seeing a few people, but nothing serious."

"I'm seeing a few people, but nothing serious" conveys all the right messages. It conveys value. But more importantly, it shows that I pursue a lifestyle that allows me to be open to whatever comes my way. It also implies the following mandatory bits of information that, said alone, are also potentially fatal:

1.) I'm single-- said alone, this could also imply that I'm desparate
2.) I'm not looking for anything serious-- Very important for her to know this because it shows that I am not going to smother her into a relationship, but if I were to say this word for word it may also imply I'm a player
3.) I'm not dating anyone seriously right now, but someday when I meet the right person I'll settle down-- This is just wordy and convulted, almost indecisive. Why are you talking to me if I am not the right person. Or, what makes you think I'm the right person if you've only been talking to me for five minutes? If meeting the right person is what you want later on, then what on earth do you want now from this interaction? Since I'm a nice person by nature, this last bullet is automatically conveyed in my body language. Plus, anyone seeing a "few people but nothing serious" now is probably doing it with the intention of seeing someone "seriously" later on. It's human nature.

ONLY ONE PROBLEM: I'M NOT SEEING ANYONE RIGHT NOW! But I still have a few relationships in New York that were left open ended. And, perhaps heightened erotic internet language on AIM counts as seeing someone. It's not stretching the truth that much. And if they ask, I can always take back the value and confess I don't like the people I'm seeing. The most important thing is to communicate that I want to leave things open.

Substitute lines: "I'm going out on dates, but nothing serious."
Pro: More true to my situation
Con: How does she know the dates are successfull ones? And how does she know I'm not spending lots of money?

OR "I'm dating some, but nothing serious."
Pro: Implies I am pursuing a certain lifestyle, that my attitude is that I have options, and that I am open for things to progress in a variety of directions, but does not disclose any details
Con: Too vague

Be More Animated

2007-06-26T23:02:00.000-07:00

This will help women get to know me better as a person.

Hollister Breakthrough

2007-06-25T22:39:00.000-07:00

So today I made casual conversation with two of the sales associates at Hollister. I also made out with a sweet blue and orange polo on sale for $19.95. Here's what I learned:

1.) The first girl I talked to was totally into me (we were chatting about what is most important to us in an apartment), but I could also tell she was a little uncomfortable. I think this is because she was afraid she was supposed to be working. Future solution: if this happens, ask about the products. This makes her feel like she is working. Then weave in other stuff when you have a chance.

2.) The second girl I talked to was a senior in high school, with a major case of senioritus (even as a junior). Could have fooled me-- she seemed mature enough to be older than I am. For the longest time it bothered me because I could never figure out if a girl is in high school or college. If she's in college, she's just my type, but if she's in high school, then I'm in jail. Today I learned how to get out this bit of information: just ask "What college do you go to?" If she's in high school, then I know to walk away. If she's in college, then we continue the conversation. And if she's a college grad, then she feels flattered that I think she's still in college. It's win win. Sweet.

Things I need to do more often, even if it takes me out of my comfort zone:
1.) Ask her for her name.
2.) Ask her what her relationship situation is.
3.) State my intent.

Last Weekend

2007-06-25T20:00:00.000-07:00

Last weekend my approach was simple. I did not waste any time making more casual conversation than I had to. I followed a structured series of steps, almost robotically.

1.) Open
2.) Ask a simple question, like where are you from
Listen to her answer
3.) State my appreciation. Relate. Ask a juicier question, such as what do you do for fun, what are you doing this summer
Listen to her answer
4.) State my intent. Relate. Vibe.
5.) Ask her about her relationship situation.
6.) Get her phone number.

I was able to do this three times this weekend.

The first was a Bulgarian girl who was a consultant. We talked about music and culture. I told her she was ambitious and sexy. She was dating a guy she didn't like. She was concerned that she was older than I was. I need to work on a good disqualifier for this. I texted her, but she didn't text me back. I didn't have the balls to call her. Now my window of opportunity is closing.

The second girl was fun. A little thick, but lots of cleavage and probably really good in bed. I friended her on facebook. We met again by coincidence at another bar. I initially opened her friends, and then met her. I sent her a text, but no returned text. I called her, but couldn't figure out how to leave her a voice mail. I'm wimping out, because I feel guilty because I really couldn't see myself with her long term. I guess I still have some hangups with MLTR and friend with benefits. I especially felt these feelings after meeting Girl #3......

The last number I got was a girl who was just my "type." Ahhhh, so cute. I met her on the subway after significant eye flirting. We talked about mundane things. I didn't care. I was so flustered. I didn't SOI or ask what her relationship situation was. I called her twice and texted her. No returned call.

Summer Goals

2007-06-17T11:09:00.000-07:00

1.) Help people who are less fortunate than I am.
2.) Compose music.
3.) Pickup.
4.) Professional development

Today's Mission

2007-05-19T17:40:00.000-07:00

Today's mission was to walk up to ten women and compliment them in an hour. I only did eight.

Although this mission successfully got me out of my comfort zone, the women were not appreciative at large. I attribute this to two reasons:
1.) I didn't follow through with the interactions. I walked up and complimented them, shook their hand and walked away. This left women wondering who I was and why I was doing what I was doing. Had I stayed and continued the interaction with a "where are you from", I would have given her more time to warm up to me.
2.) Direct openers work best when completely sincere and genuine. Under the constraints of the mission of complimenting ten in one hour, I did not have the time to select quality woman truely deserving of a direct opener. I only had time to follow the three second rule and select women that I MIGHT want to get to know. Women could sense my mis-calibration.

For next time, I think I could consider one or some of these points.
1.) Really take time to find "that girl." When I do, she will feel my sincerity (like the girl at Aeropostale) because I will be a little nervous.
2.) If I use a direct opener, make sure to continue the interaction to put her mind at ease.
3.) When in doubt, go with an indirect opener.
4.) If I decide to repeat today's mission, it should be viewed a tool to get me out of my comfort zone.

Here is what I did today.
1.) At Barnes and Noble, an Indian woman opened me, asking if she saw any outlets. I told her she had great style. She smiled.
2.) I complimented an Asian woman's red shirt, again at BN. She didn't know exactly what to think. I had to reclarify.
3.) At Urban Outfitters I told a girl that she had great style. I recieved a neutral response.
4.) On the street I walked into the middle of a group and told a red head that I thought she was pretty. She gave me a neutral response and after I left the group laughed at me.
5.) At the Gap I complemented a girl's sun dress. She gave me a mild response but I made sure she shook my hand. Her handshake was like a fish. Before I left I introduced myself to her mother who gave me a positive response.
6.) On the street I told a woman that she looked very elegant sitting alone on that milk crate smoking a cigarette, and that if I had a camera I would take a picture. She gave me a warm response and told me her name. This was the most genuine approach of the day.
7.) At Anthropologie I told a girl who looked like she was in high school that I loved her yellow shirt. She did not shake my hand initially, and I had to convince her that it was ok.
8.) At Anthropologie I complimented a woman's necklace. Then I found out she was from Colombia.

Overall what kept me going was remembering that I was "on a mission," and not to take anything too seriously. The #4 street approach left me especially hurt when the group gefawed at me. After doing it a few more times I began to get into the groove of expecting anything, and if nothing else I was making a little mischief for shits and giggles.

I did something incredible at Aeoropostale today

2007-05-12T17:30:00.000-07:00

I wasn't looking forward to tonight. "Just another set of meaningless platonic conversations," I thought as I was people watching at the mall. "When will I start get good? End this dry spell? Find someone that I actually like?" Everyone at the mall looked like they were either in high school, or had children that were in high school. I didn't know where to start.

After a moping session at Nordstrom's I amble into Aeoropostale. Like an actor I give a frat boy "whazzup" to the male greeter at the door. The room was filled with middle school students. I honestly thought I was going to see someone from second period. Then the universe handed me a glimmer of hope.

She was working the register when I first caught a glimpse of her busily in the midst of returning a product. She had long, perfectly combed brunette hair and a dimple on her upper lip. Her eyes were something to marvel, bright blue, but wide, with something of an Arabian shape. She was not cute, not yet sexy, not hot, but beautiful, and I knew I had to approach her. She was a hired gun, so I had no excuse. She was paid to take my compliment, no matter how poorly I delivered it.

How could I compliment her while she was working the register? I tried on three different shirts while I contemplated this issue. Perhaps a few months from now I would be able to run a 100-meter dash and stop a woman in a moving vehicle to tell her she's sexy. But that's a few months from now. I was in no mood to try any tricks, and I didn't feel qualified either-- I had to compliment a woman first, by lame AFC ways if necessary.

She walked away from the register for about a minute. NOW! I thought. But I clammed up. I finally decided that if I was going to compliment this woman, I was going to have to buy something. Buying a cheap shirt from clearance would also buy me two minutes of time with her that I could say what I needed to say. My heart was thumping, and my forehead sweat as I stepped in line.

Two teenage girls were ahead of me. A hot model was behind me. I knew if anything went wrong, I would not only be embarassed in front of the girl, but also the hot model behind me. The pressure was on. My palms sweat as I thought about how badly I looked without gel in my hair.

HER: Find everything alright?
ME: Yup.
HER: Your total comes to $10.21.
I hand her my credit card.
HER: Credit or debit?
ME: Debit.
HER: Enter your pin.
ME: I know this might sound a little awkward, but I have to tell you this or else I'm going to be kicking myself all night. And that is, I think your beatifull.
HER: Thank you, that's very sweet of you. :)

I walk away. Mission accomplished.

I've never felt so good complimenting a woman before. True, I felt like a strange foreign guy who went strip clubs and told the strippers they were beautiful because he had no other social skills. But, I had successfully put all my vulnerability on the line.

The last time I told stranger she was beautiful was in college. It didn't work. That girl didn't believe me, because I was trying to hard to act smooth. With Carly, I let my nervousness flow freely onto the cash register. She knew I was sincere, and she probably has never had a guy do that before. Perhaps she didn't think she was even deserving of that type of compliment-- until now. It didn't matter that I was acting a little like Borat. I showed that I meant it, and that was enough to make her feel good.

I wonder what the hot model behind me thought.

On Statements of Interest

2007-05-11T22:51:00.000-07:00

Tonight I focused on making statements of interest. My goal was to get in four SOIs. Mission accomplished, but at the same time I did not see many results. How I deliver the SOI is crucial.

SOI #1
At the Reef, I walk in to a four set of very attractive women. One of them is a middle school teacher. We have a lot to talk about, since have a career in common. She cannot get over how old she is. I tell her, it's ok, you're sexy and you look young. She cringes. In my opinion, stating interest after a woman disqualifies herself is a mistake. It communicates that I go for women that feel bad about themselves.

SOI #2
Man, it's the teacher geek convention tonight-- I SOI another teacher. But I don't think she heard it. Conversation was too platonic for her to notice, and it probably just rolled right off her. I was in the set too long (half an hour) before I SOIed, and relationship dynamics had already been firmly set into the friends zone. Plus, I don't think my SOI was sincere. I was too focused on getting it in to make the delivery strong.

SOI #3
I ask a girl where Starbucks is on the street, and then immediately tell her that her necklace is sexy. My delivery was weak and insincere, because I honestly didn't think her necklace was that sexy. After I am twenty feet away, I hear laughter behind me. I knew they were laughing at me because I heard the word "NECKLACE!?!?" I never felt so rejected since San Francisco when a set of women wouldn't even open; instead the laughed at me. Harsh rejections like these remind me of the very pain that made me decide to do this.

SOI #4
I ask another girl where Starbucks is, and then tell her her shirt is sexy. "I love the navy blue color, it looks good on you." She thanks me. She could tell it was a genuine compliment. I felt centered. I wasn't going out of my way to be nice, I was just riffing on how I like the color navy blue. The best compliment I gave all night, and I did it not ten seconds after opening her.

Tonight I learned that SOIs must balance between two important criteria:
1.) It MUST be sincere. The content of the compliment is not nearly as important as its sincerity. She has to know I mean it. I think its best to stick to something concrete, like what she's wearing. Abstract things can be noticed too, but only if her reality is paced. "This may sound weird, but I think it's sexy the way you like walks on the beach."
2.) Better sooner than later. Waiting until a sincere compliment comes is fine, but don't let the conversation get too platonic. Usually I can find something sexy about a woman in the first three seconds. Complimenting a woman's style, although visual, communicates that I appreciate women for more than their looks. Women take time to look good, and they deserve apprecation for it. Making an SOI sooner is also good just because it's more efficient. I am stating why I am here, and I can escalate more quickly than if I floundered in platonic discourse.

Why I make mistakes

2007-05-10T18:31:00.000-07:00

I think I fail for one of two reasons.

1.) I see a girl I like, but I lose confidence somewhere along the way.
2.) I see a girl I don't like initially, and I use it as excuse to leave when things don't go well.

I won't spend much time talking about #1 since everyone else writes about this. With the hard practice, discipline, and reflections I am promising myself to put in, I will learn to overcome reason #1.

Reason #2 is much more obscure, but quite significant. Seeing a girl I like happens to me once a week at the most. Most of the time when I see a woman, I decide in my mind that she is not worth the effort. I think this is actually an excuse I make to myself to backwards rationalize my own failure. See, everyone has something beautiful inside them, and it is my job to find out what that is. If I can just learn to open up a woman to her fullest potential, I'll never find anything sexy about her. If I can't find anything interesting or sexy about someone, I need to keep prying until she leaves. Often when I find something truely sexy, I forget that moment ago I was thinking I did not want to approach her because she's too old.

I've failed because of reason #2 at least three times so far.
1.) In San Francisco, an Indian woman with a British accent was totally in to me, according to a wing. But she looked in her thirties, and I thought it would be too taboo.
2.) At Borders, I didn't get the phone number of that beautiful woman who was a substitute teacher. I almost didn't approach her because she looked so mature, but I bet she is actually younger than I.
3.) Today at Borders, travel section again. I seriously think she was loitering in the same spot just to see where the interaction would go. But there were too many lulls in the conversation-- plus she looked older than I was and I had to go to the bathroom. Excuses excuses. I ended up making a sexy blond curly haired lady very disapointed for not continuing the interaction. She eventually excused herself.

THE MORAL of THIS STORY: BE MORE OUTGOING WITH EVERYONE! I cannot afford to wait for the special someone. Women can surprise me in more ways than one if I just keep at it. A woman who was too old a minute ago is now sexy... and sexually interested. If nothing else, avoiding reason #2 will help me stay in practice so when that once-a-week girl comes along, I won't mistake because of reason #1. New Years Resolution: Hook up with a thirty something.

Beginning of May Reflections

2007-05-06T18:52:00.001-07:00

I think I've learned a lot this month, but I still have a ways to go. I've been out at night two additional times since my last blog. I'm having a lot of fun meeting new people. I'm learning to accept people in ways that I haven't before-- and people I wouldn't have gotten to know in earlier years are getting to know me.

I still need to work on getting more dates. I think women like me, but I am not escalating my interactions. I need to state my interest, get information, and ask women about their relationship situations more often.

A lot of different things are flowing through my mind right now.
1.) Although my approach anxiety is diminished, last night I still felt a fear of talking to women I liked. Instead, I stuck with strangers I was comfortable with instead.
2.) I am hung up that I have to get women to say something deserving before I can SOA or SOI. When I SOA, it often sounds canned. I haven't SOI'ed in a long time. I have to remember that I can show my appreciation (and my interest) in more ways than one. Although ensuring there is "give and take" in the interaction is a good thing to do, I also may not want to wait for the "perfect" opportunity to SOA or SOI. I think it would be worth it one night just to go out and SOI everyone I see as soon as I can-- and see what happens.
3.) Several times I've had great interactions going, but then the women suddenly leave. After the fact, it often occurs to me that they did this probably because they have boyfriends. (One doctor I know for a fact was married, because my wing found out). I have to remember to always get information.
4.) Often I'm afraid to ask women their relationship situations.
5.) I need to get contact information. For me, my problem with getting contact information is a lot like my problem with SOI's: I wait for the perfect moment, but it never happens. I need to just get out and do it. When I get contact information, I can expect one of three things: (1) she will not call me back; (2) she will like me as a friend; (3) she will want me as a lover. Two out of those three options are positive ones. It's win/win.

I know what it's like to approach and stay in the interaction-- escalating is my new hurdle.

My goal this month is to escalate. More details to come.

Xenakis Approaches Three Sets in Dupont Circle

2007-04-28T12:02:00.000-07:00

Xenakis and his wing approached three sets last night, exceeding their goal to approach two sets and remain with them for ten minutes of more.

After chatting a bit at Baja Fresh with his wing, the two went on to a bar near Dupont Circle. Xenakis was initially treated rudely by a woman standing by the bar, but his wing pointed out later that she was with her boyfriend. The first "real" set the two approached was a three set of interns working for a US Senator. Xenakis's wing walked up and started signing to one of them. "I wasn't sure what was going to happen," Xenakis commented. In fact, the girl started signing back.

Meanwhile Xenakis talked to the other two girls, a cheerful, snug intern from Maine and her quiet friend. "I feel bad about leaving the quiet one out of the conversation," Xenakis said. "But the more talkative one kept asking me all of these questions." When Xenakis asked her to tell him a story, she replied "that a little demanding." Xenakis proceeded to tell another story, but by that time they were bored and other interns had walked into the set.

"I should have SOIed a lot earlier," Xenakis reflects. "That would have kept the interaction more interesting. But I couldn't find anything *sexy* about her. She was definately *cute* when she made this face at me, though. I could have told her she was cute, and used that as a stepping stone to getting her to do something sexy later on. In retrospect, there was actually a lot of kino." Meanwhile, Xenakis's wing number closed the third girl in the set.

In another section of the bar Xenakis's wing again approached a three set with the sign language opener. Not long into the interaction the set doubled in size as their guy friends rolled in. Unsure of the relationship between the women they were talking to and the new men in the group, Xenakis decided to focus his attention on them. "It turned out they were just friends. I actually liked them. While we were talking, there was this massive influx of hot women in the bar. We joked around about that."

Xenakis approached the last set at Cosi, a pair of thirty-something women, a civil rights activist and her friend. "Like the mother and daughter he approached sitting at the same table a week ago, these two asked me where I was from. I think there's something about Cosi that makes people think I'm a tourist, but it always leads to good conversation."

At 1:00am Xenakis and his wing parted ways. On the Orange Line back to Virginia, Xenakis spotted a floppsy. A group of ten George Mason students, returning from a Dashboard Confessional concert, all took off their shoes at the same time. "Those shoes must be terriblely uncomfortable!" Conversation commenced into discussion about music and fashion. Xenakis paraded around in one of the girls' shoes. "I really wanted to talk to the cute ones on the other side of the car, but I couldn't figure out how to tactically get out of the set I was in. Then I AMOGed this guy by accident. He was boasting about how his pin stripe blazer was from Nordstroms. It leaked out that I saw a great blazer that looked just like it at a thrift shop. Then I started feeling sick from my red bull and vodka and had to go sit somewhere else."

Xenakis Shows Improvement in Approaching

2007-04-26T17:25:00.000-07:00

WEDNESDAY NIGHT, GEORGETOWN. With three new wingmen by his side, Xenakis made steady improvements in his energy and commitment to approaches, reuters say. Highlights of the night included his approach of a moving set two hundred feet away across a body of water, and opening absolutely the hottest girl he's ever seen since the girl he saw walking up Florida Avenue six days prior.

"I couldn't have done it without my wingmen," Xenakis boasts, all three of whom took coaching from the same company as Xenakis, though not the same instructor.

All four gentlemen commented on the scarcity of people on the rainy Wednesday evening, in particular, the sparseness of attractive women. "I think I limited my beliefs in these comments," Xenakis commented the next morning. "Just because there weren't any hot women did mean we couldn't have talked to the guys, or the older women to stay in practice."

Eventually Xenakis chased down the a red headed woman who he thought looked like a college friend. At first the lady and her two friends were walking away, and Xenakis thought it was "too late." At the encouragement of his wingman, Xenakis decided to approach anyway, 39 seconds overdue of the 3 second rule. By this time the set was over two hundred feet away on the other side of an immense fountain. When Xenakis finally caught up, she introduced him to her girlfriend and guyfriend and chatted for a minute or so, but then kept moving.

After that, the four stood outside Old Glory for a while, though it was as empty as drum. When Xenakis stopped a group of women to find out where a better place to go was, they turned out to be Vermonters. "They liked it a lot down in DC, they hate the weather in Vermont. I told them about the lousy winter I spent with my cousins in New Hampshire, though I do enjoy the ice cream Vermont's mild summers have to offer," Xenakis recounts.

The most crowded bar the four men could find had about two tables full of people. At one of the tables, Xenakis found out, a girl named after a women's college was celebrating her 21st birthday. "They seemed friendly. One of the girls asked me how many drinks I had," Xenakis told reporters. "I decided to be honest. I told them I was an ex-wallflower trying to climb the social ladder. She appreciated that, but ultimately I froze myself out. I couldn't compete with tip calculations and check divisions." Meanwhile one of the other guys got the phone number of a beautiful young lady sitting all alone.

After that, Xenakis decided to chill for a while and get to know his new pals. "One of them's a surfer, which I think is way cool," Xenakis SOAs. Suddenly, the back side of a woman caught his eye. "I had to approach. When I saw her face I knew I had won the Hottest Girl of the Day Challenge. I caught her right before she stepped into a cab. She told me Manhattan's was a good place to go on Wednesdays, but by that time I was too tired to stay out. I shook hands with my new friends and drove back over the Key Bridge into Old Dominion."

Xenakis Goes out at Night for the First Time Since San Francisco in Good Company

2007-04-24T18:02:00.001-07:00

FRIDAY EVENING, DUPONT CIRCLE. Xenakis had his first night out in Washington, DC since his instruction two weeks prior in San Francisco. Visits included a billiard hall, a bookstore, and a hookah bar, says the associated press.

He was joined by two skilled wingmen. One was a friend from New York who Xenakis admires for his compassion for people, long term relationship experience, knowledge of sexuality, and interest in David Deida. He was also joined by a man who, with his deafness, molded himself into a charming PUA and became minor character in "The Game," by Neil Strauss. "I'm really like these guys," Xenakis says. "I hope I can be better friends with both of them and go out on a regular basis. We share similar values and goals, and we all have something unique to offer each other."

Their first stop was Cosi. A girl and her mom were roasting marshmellows and making smores on Cosi's renouned mini-stoves. Xenakis had never seen such a contraption, and asked them what it was. In not much time he was sitting with them, and the mother, being of Missouri hospitality, offered him a marshmellow. "We talked about work and travel. She lamented the conservative nature of Missouri; I gave a lesson on how to find the volume of a pyramid," Xenakis remembers. "Though the funniest part of Cosi was when my David Deida friend was hit on by a transvestite."

Next the trio went to Buffalo Billiards, but ended up just chilling and ordering drinks. "It was great just hanging out with them. I wrote the history of my love life on a napkin."

At Kramer Books, the next stop that evening, Xenakis opened a geeky German physicist from North Carolina in a yellow pique polo shirt entertaining his parents for the weekend with a trip to DC. They spoke German for twenty minutes until Xenakis got bored and/or could no longer understand him.

At the hookah bar, two girls pulled the gay card on Xenakis and his David Deida friend. "I took it as a compliment," Xenakis gloats. Then David Deida started a conversation with a beautiful Palestinian lady sitting on the other side of them. Xenakis entertained five other people sitting with her. "One of the girls wants to be a teacher. I appreciated her idealism."

The last conversation of the evening (with the exception of the drunk guy on the street who works at the country club) was with the bouncer of the hookah bar. "I can't remember much about him," Xenakis apologizes.

On Saturday evening Xenakis was too tired to go out, so he researched "interesting" things about people on facebook.

On Sunday Xenakis went to Border's Books and Cafe. Xenakis recounts: "First, I tried to strike up a conversation with a twelve year old in the children's section. Bad idea. Then I got too nervous to approach another girl in short short jeans. But I made up for it with two solid conversations in the travel section. It seems like all I have to do is walk up to someone in the travel section and ask them where they are going, and I'll get a wonderful conversation out of it. The first girl I talked to went on and on about her travels in Eastern Europe.

I did not realize how sexy the second lady was until almost the end of our conversation. She (or her friends) had been all over the world. A soon to be substitute teacher, I warned her to stock her pockets with candy before going to school every day. When I reached out my hand to say goodbye and ask for her name, she did not shake my immediately. She had books in both her hands. I kept my hand suspended in mid air until she put down her books. 'It's so nice nice,' she said, 'no one ever shakes my hand.' I did not go back to get her phone number.

"On Tuesday I went back to Borders to see if she was still there, but alas she was not.

"So I talked to an older woman, a personable woman from Peru. Her daughter had an inspiring math teacher. I could tell that she cared for her a lot. I told her of my travels in Mexico, and why I couldn't speak Spanish. The conversation lasted a long time with multiple threads. We both were eager to share our experience of school and travel.

"A good week! If I can average one good conversation a day with a stranger, I think I am well on my way to a more fullfilling social life. Just talking with people is so uplifiting, and I look forward to the day when I can truely appreciate people and take my relationships to an even deeper level."

Friday afternoon at Borders

2007-04-20T14:31:00.000-07:00

I stare at a map of Borders Bookstore. I exchange eye contact with H, working the information desk. She is talking with P, her coworker, about college courses.

H: Are you looking for anything in particular?
Me: No, I'm just looking at your map.
H: What section of the map are you interested in?
Me: Actually, I'm looking at the whole map. Is it new?

Apparently, I am still in map mode. Meanwhile, she keeps trying steer the conversation back to what books I'm interested in.

H: Oh come on. You must be interested in something. (1)
Me: Well, what do you have to recommend to me?
H: What are books do you like to read?
Me: I like poetry. And I like learning foreign languages.
H: What language are you interested in?
Me: Well, I don't know yet. I want to buy the Rosetta Stone, but it's expensive, so I want make sure I choose a good language to learn.

Then P interjects, asking me all about the languages I've learned and the programs I prefer. She tells me I should learn Russian, because I speak German and I already know about cases (2). I find out what her major is, but not much beyond that point. I tell her that the best to learn a language is to learn with a friend, but sadly none of my friends are into languages (3).

H: I think you'd like a Spanish novel. Gabriel Garcia Marquez.
Me: I love him.
H: You should read "One Hundred Years of Solitude."
Me: Why?
H: Just the style of writing. It's so other worldly.
Me: And how does that make you feel? (4)
H: Um, good I guess...
P: (to the side) Is he a psychologist?
Me: Come on, let's go find it.

She gets it for me, and I find out her name, but she leaves before I can talk more to her.

Later I go back to P and talk about language learning. When the topic winds down though, I leave (5).

Comments:
(1) Here, I totally could have said something like: "I love that your so assertive!"
(2) P is very knowledgeable about languages. I totally should have talked to her more, it seems like we have a lot in common. She's very intellectual. I should have told her that, but I guess I was too entranced by H's assertiveness dominating the conversation.
(3) I should have put a positive spin onto this. "None of my friends like learning languages, but I'm always making more friends, so maybe this will be the year I finally master Punjabi!"
(4) "How does that make you feel" was a canned line, and P totally picked up on it with her psychologist comment. Here's how it could have gone:
H: It's other worldly!
M: Wow, I totally appreciate other worldly writing. It really just takes me and puts me in this other dimension. How does it make you feel?
H: Um... good.
M: It makes me feel good too. I'm a composer, and I love other worldly music.
H: You do? That's so cool! I like to write poetry and paint coffee mugs. It really puts me in this state!

My first entry

2007-04-19T18:27:00.000-07:00

It's been almost two weeks since my bootcamp in San Francisco, and I'm not sure what to make of it all. If I learned anything at bootcamp it was that this stuff IS possible, and I CAN do it if I just put my mind to it. But improving my social skills will take work, and I have to make sure I have realistic expections of myself and know how to proceed from here. Since I know for a FACT my life can be better, I no longer have any excuses to not work for my goals. No more accepting life as it comes, no more sitting at home and moping. I can change my life if I want to, for the better. It's the amount of work it's going to take that intimidates me.

Let's rewind to bootcamp.

April 6th, San Francisco.
I man-hug a stranger.

But more importantly, my instructor pointed out a number of simple habits I carry that are worth breaking.
1.) He noticed that when I talk, I always point out how I'm different from other people. Instead of doing this, I should notice the similarities. There are ways I can relate to people, even if we have nothing in common, because we all experience the same emotions.

2.) When I converse with people, often I only talk about facts. I need to find out interesting things ABOUT the people I'm talking with.

3.) I give approval to people when they don't necessarily deserve it.
ME: Where are you from?
HER: Belgium.
ME: Cool!
But all she did was give me a one word response. Is this "cool?"

4.) I need to have more commitment in my interactions. He first noticed this during my first three attempts to man-hug. I gave up too quickly.

I've been practicing "commitment" a lot recently. There are two critical moments I always experience during an interaction when commitment is especially vital. The first moment when I must decide to approach. The second moment is when I must decide to continue the interaction after my new friend has responded to my opener.
ME: What time is it?
HER: 7:36.
ME: Thanks! Uh....
...And I've lost commitment.

In each instance, I can pinpoint the moment my commitment starts to weaken. It's kind of cool. I've never been so aware of my own emotional responses. The only problem is that by the time I notice my commitment weakening, it's too late and I walk away.

-------------------------------------------------

Fieldwork for the weekend:
1.) Train myself to ANTICIPATE when my commitment will break down. Ultimately, an interaction will die if I don't commit to it with either a vacuum or a story. I need to think ahead in order to prevent this. The longer I can stay 100% committed to an interaction, the more likely my friend will tell me something interesting about herself and we will establish rapport.
2.) Think up questions that will allow me to find out interesting things about people that are appropriate for the situation I'm in.
3.) Approach 15 people.

Extra credit:
1.) Get blown out of an interaction.
2.) Have someone ask me "Is this an interview?"
3.) Really enjoy an interaction with someone, male or female.
4.) Get a woman's phone number.