Today's Mission

Today's mission was to walk up to ten women and compliment them in an hour. I only did eight.

Although this mission successfully got me out of my comfort zone, the women were not appreciative at large. I attribute this to two reasons:
1.) I didn't follow through with the interactions. I walked up and complimented them, shook their hand and walked away. This left women wondering who I was and why I was doing what I was doing. Had I stayed and continued the interaction with a "where are you from", I would have given her more time to warm up to me.
2.) Direct openers work best when completely sincere and genuine. Under the constraints of the mission of complimenting ten in one hour, I did not have the time to select quality woman truely deserving of a direct opener. I only had time to follow the three second rule and select women that I MIGHT want to get to know. Women could sense my mis-calibration.

For next time, I think I could consider one or some of these points.
1.) Really take time to find "that girl." When I do, she will feel my sincerity (like the girl at Aeropostale) because I will be a little nervous.
2.) If I use a direct opener, make sure to continue the interaction to put her mind at ease.
3.) When in doubt, go with an indirect opener.
4.) If I decide to repeat today's mission, it should be viewed a tool to get me out of my comfort zone.

Here is what I did today.
1.) At Barnes and Noble, an Indian woman opened me, asking if she saw any outlets. I told her she had great style. She smiled.
2.) I complimented an Asian woman's red shirt, again at BN. She didn't know exactly what to think. I had to reclarify.
3.) At Urban Outfitters I told a girl that she had great style. I recieved a neutral response.
4.) On the street I walked into the middle of a group and told a red head that I thought she was pretty. She gave me a neutral response and after I left the group laughed at me.
5.) At the Gap I complemented a girl's sun dress. She gave me a mild response but I made sure she shook my hand. Her handshake was like a fish. Before I left I introduced myself to her mother who gave me a positive response.
6.) On the street I told a woman that she looked very elegant sitting alone on that milk crate smoking a cigarette, and that if I had a camera I would take a picture. She gave me a warm response and told me her name. This was the most genuine approach of the day.
7.) At Anthropologie I told a girl who looked like she was in high school that I loved her yellow shirt. She did not shake my hand initially, and I had to convince her that it was ok.
8.) At Anthropologie I complimented a woman's necklace. Then I found out she was from Colombia.

Overall what kept me going was remembering that I was "on a mission," and not to take anything too seriously. The #4 street approach left me especially hurt when the group gefawed at me. After doing it a few more times I began to get into the groove of expecting anything, and if nothing else I was making a little mischief for shits and giggles.

I did something incredible at Aeoropostale today

I wasn't looking forward to tonight. "Just another set of meaningless platonic conversations," I thought as I was people watching at the mall. "When will I start get good? End this dry spell? Find someone that I actually like?" Everyone at the mall looked like they were either in high school, or had children that were in high school. I didn't know where to start.

After a moping session at Nordstrom's I amble into Aeoropostale. Like an actor I give a frat boy "whazzup" to the male greeter at the door. The room was filled with middle school students. I honestly thought I was going to see someone from second period. Then the universe handed me a glimmer of hope.

She was working the register when I first caught a glimpse of her busily in the midst of returning a product. She had long, perfectly combed brunette hair and a dimple on her upper lip. Her eyes were something to marvel, bright blue, but wide, with something of an Arabian shape. She was not cute, not yet sexy, not hot, but beautiful, and I knew I had to approach her. She was a hired gun, so I had no excuse. She was paid to take my compliment, no matter how poorly I delivered it.

How could I compliment her while she was working the register? I tried on three different shirts while I contemplated this issue. Perhaps a few months from now I would be able to run a 100-meter dash and stop a woman in a moving vehicle to tell her she's sexy. But that's a few months from now. I was in no mood to try any tricks, and I didn't feel qualified either-- I had to compliment a woman first, by lame AFC ways if necessary.

She walked away from the register for about a minute. NOW! I thought. But I clammed up. I finally decided that if I was going to compliment this woman, I was going to have to buy something. Buying a cheap shirt from clearance would also buy me two minutes of time with her that I could say what I needed to say. My heart was thumping, and my forehead sweat as I stepped in line.

Two teenage girls were ahead of me. A hot model was behind me. I knew if anything went wrong, I would not only be embarassed in front of the girl, but also the hot model behind me. The pressure was on. My palms sweat as I thought about how badly I looked without gel in my hair.

HER: Find everything alright?
ME: Yup.
HER: Your total comes to $10.21.
I hand her my credit card.
HER: Credit or debit?
ME: Debit.
HER: Enter your pin.
ME: I know this might sound a little awkward, but I have to tell you this or else I'm going to be kicking myself all night. And that is, I think your beatifull.
HER: Thank you, that's very sweet of you. :)

I walk away. Mission accomplished.

I've never felt so good complimenting a woman before. True, I felt like a strange foreign guy who went strip clubs and told the strippers they were beautiful because he had no other social skills. But, I had successfully put all my vulnerability on the line.

The last time I told stranger she was beautiful was in college. It didn't work. That girl didn't believe me, because I was trying to hard to act smooth. With Carly, I let my nervousness flow freely onto the cash register. She knew I was sincere, and she probably has never had a guy do that before. Perhaps she didn't think she was even deserving of that type of compliment-- until now. It didn't matter that I was acting a little like Borat. I showed that I meant it, and that was enough to make her feel good.

I wonder what the hot model behind me thought.

On Statements of Interest

Tonight I focused on making statements of interest. My goal was to get in four SOIs. Mission accomplished, but at the same time I did not see many results. How I deliver the SOI is crucial.

SOI #1
At the Reef, I walk in to a four set of very attractive women. One of them is a middle school teacher. We have a lot to talk about, since have a career in common. She cannot get over how old she is. I tell her, it's ok, you're sexy and you look young. She cringes. In my opinion, stating interest after a woman disqualifies herself is a mistake. It communicates that I go for women that feel bad about themselves.

SOI #2
Man, it's the teacher geek convention tonight-- I SOI another teacher. But I don't think she heard it. Conversation was too platonic for her to notice, and it probably just rolled right off her. I was in the set too long (half an hour) before I SOIed, and relationship dynamics had already been firmly set into the friends zone. Plus, I don't think my SOI was sincere. I was too focused on getting it in to make the delivery strong.

SOI #3
I ask a girl where Starbucks is on the street, and then immediately tell her that her necklace is sexy. My delivery was weak and insincere, because I honestly didn't think her necklace was that sexy. After I am twenty feet away, I hear laughter behind me. I knew they were laughing at me because I heard the word "NECKLACE!?!?" I never felt so rejected since San Francisco when a set of women wouldn't even open; instead the laughed at me. Harsh rejections like these remind me of the very pain that made me decide to do this.

SOI #4
I ask another girl where Starbucks is, and then tell her her shirt is sexy. "I love the navy blue color, it looks good on you." She thanks me. She could tell it was a genuine compliment. I felt centered. I wasn't going out of my way to be nice, I was just riffing on how I like the color navy blue. The best compliment I gave all night, and I did it not ten seconds after opening her.

Tonight I learned that SOIs must balance between two important criteria:
1.) It MUST be sincere. The content of the compliment is not nearly as important as its sincerity. She has to know I mean it. I think its best to stick to something concrete, like what she's wearing. Abstract things can be noticed too, but only if her reality is paced. "This may sound weird, but I think it's sexy the way you like walks on the beach."
2.) Better sooner than later. Waiting until a sincere compliment comes is fine, but don't let the conversation get too platonic. Usually I can find something sexy about a woman in the first three seconds. Complimenting a woman's style, although visual, communicates that I appreciate women for more than their looks. Women take time to look good, and they deserve apprecation for it. Making an SOI sooner is also good just because it's more efficient. I am stating why I am here, and I can escalate more quickly than if I floundered in platonic discourse.

Why I make mistakes

I think I fail for one of two reasons.

1.) I see a girl I like, but I lose confidence somewhere along the way.
2.) I see a girl I don't like initially, and I use it as excuse to leave when things don't go well.

I won't spend much time talking about #1 since everyone else writes about this. With the hard practice, discipline, and reflections I am promising myself to put in, I will learn to overcome reason #1.

Reason #2 is much more obscure, but quite significant. Seeing a girl I like happens to me once a week at the most. Most of the time when I see a woman, I decide in my mind that she is not worth the effort. I think this is actually an excuse I make to myself to backwards rationalize my own failure. See, everyone has something beautiful inside them, and it is my job to find out what that is. If I can just learn to open up a woman to her fullest potential, I'll never find anything sexy about her. If I can't find anything interesting or sexy about someone, I need to keep prying until she leaves. Often when I find something truely sexy, I forget that moment ago I was thinking I did not want to approach her because she's too old.

I've failed because of reason #2 at least three times so far.
1.) In San Francisco, an Indian woman with a British accent was totally in to me, according to a wing. But she looked in her thirties, and I thought it would be too taboo.
2.) At Borders, I didn't get the phone number of that beautiful woman who was a substitute teacher. I almost didn't approach her because she looked so mature, but I bet she is actually younger than I.
3.) Today at Borders, travel section again. I seriously think she was loitering in the same spot just to see where the interaction would go. But there were too many lulls in the conversation-- plus she looked older than I was and I had to go to the bathroom. Excuses excuses. I ended up making a sexy blond curly haired lady very disapointed for not continuing the interaction. She eventually excused herself.

THE MORAL of THIS STORY: BE MORE OUTGOING WITH EVERYONE! I cannot afford to wait for the special someone. Women can surprise me in more ways than one if I just keep at it. A woman who was too old a minute ago is now sexy... and sexually interested. If nothing else, avoiding reason #2 will help me stay in practice so when that once-a-week girl comes along, I won't mistake because of reason #1. New Years Resolution: Hook up with a thirty something.

Beginning of May Reflections

I think I've learned a lot this month, but I still have a ways to go. I've been out at night two additional times since my last blog. I'm having a lot of fun meeting new people. I'm learning to accept people in ways that I haven't before-- and people I wouldn't have gotten to know in earlier years are getting to know me.

I still need to work on getting more dates. I think women like me, but I am not escalating my interactions. I need to state my interest, get information, and ask women about their relationship situations more often.

A lot of different things are flowing through my mind right now.
1.) Although my approach anxiety is diminished, last night I still felt a fear of talking to women I liked. Instead, I stuck with strangers I was comfortable with instead.
2.) I am hung up that I have to get women to say something deserving before I can SOA or SOI. When I SOA, it often sounds canned. I haven't SOI'ed in a long time. I have to remember that I can show my appreciation (and my interest) in more ways than one. Although ensuring there is "give and take" in the interaction is a good thing to do, I also may not want to wait for the "perfect" opportunity to SOA or SOI. I think it would be worth it one night just to go out and SOI everyone I see as soon as I can-- and see what happens.
3.) Several times I've had great interactions going, but then the women suddenly leave. After the fact, it often occurs to me that they did this probably because they have boyfriends. (One doctor I know for a fact was married, because my wing found out). I have to remember to always get information.
4.) Often I'm afraid to ask women their relationship situations.
5.) I need to get contact information. For me, my problem with getting contact information is a lot like my problem with SOI's: I wait for the perfect moment, but it never happens. I need to just get out and do it. When I get contact information, I can expect one of three things: (1) she will not call me back; (2) she will like me as a friend; (3) she will want me as a lover. Two out of those three options are positive ones. It's win/win.

I know what it's like to approach and stay in the interaction-- escalating is my new hurdle.

My goal this month is to escalate. More details to come.